Tori hits the beach with daughter Stella

Man, remember when whether or not Donna Martin graduated was her biggest problem? (I’ve just aged myself, haven’t I?)

Oft-criticized, suspiciously slender Beverly Hills 90210 alumna Tori Spelling is drawing attention to her famous frame once again in her new book, Uncharted TerriTORI. Tori is going on the record, blaming her dwindling weight on a bout of swine flu (to her credit, Spelling can at least recognize a good punchline saying, “First I had a horse face, now I had the pig flu.” ZING!) USA Today reports that Tori was hospitalized at least three times in the past year for ailments including the aforementioned “pig flu,” stomach pain, migraines and nerve problems, which all caused her to drop pounds (anyone care to places bets on how soon other starlets investigate methods of swine contamination?).

Spelling says the constant media speculation surrounding her weight has been hurtful and she continues to deny accusations of an eating disorder. “I’m a role model for a lot of women out there, so I hate that they say these things unwarranted, without any research and facts. I think it’s doing a disservice to women out there that look up to any celebrity,” Spelling says. True. It’s better that women know the exact methods behind achieving the protruding bones on display in your reality show, your ubiquitous paparazzi bikini shots, your magazine cover stories, your fleeting guest stints on the new, horrid version of 90210…but I digress.

Tori may think she’s helping women by revealing the truth behind her emaciated frame, but she’s (perhaps unknowingly) doing us all a disservice by unleashing the gory details. Back in October, Spelling took to her Twitter account to adamantly deny a Star Magazine cover story that cited her weight at 95 pounds. She made good use of her Caps Lock key and punctuation abilities, tweeting, “Star Mag…LIES! Literally not 1 factual thing in entire article. And, come 2 my house&weigh me Star! I’m 107lbs. if you care about FACTS?!?”

Thanks for clearing that up, Tori. Those 12 pounds were absolutely relevant to my peace of mind and I can now sleep better knowing exactly where the needle on your scale lands.

Tori’s now again nitpicking numbers saying, “I weigh 101 (pounds)—my goal weight is 115. Finally I feel there’s hope.” Hope, indeed. Now that all those young women you’re a role model to can use your precise Body Mass Index to berate themselves for being pounds away from even your healthy “goal weight.”

While I appreciate your honesty and humor, Tori (not gonna lie, So NoTORIous was a television gem), maybe it’s time to focus on something besides your body…like maybe acting?

–Michelle Konstantinovsky is a student at UC Berkeley’s Graduate School of Journalism and an avid admirer of shiny objects and preteen entertainment. It would be nice if you visited her website: www.michellekmedia.com. Also, she may learn to use Twitter more effectively if you follow her @michelley415.