Alpha Nail, for a more masculine nail polish option

Alpha Nail, a cosmetics company that claims it is for “Men and Fighters,” is filling the gap in the market for a male-oriented nail polish. What, you didn’t know the market needed male-oriented nail polish?

Well, clearly you were mistaken, because men apparently have very specific nail polish needs that cannot be satisfied by mere normal lady polish.

For starters, Alpha Nail is “Designed by Men. Worn by Warriors.” Oh, okay. I can see how a nail polish designed by men would differ dramatically from—oh no, wait, it’s still just nail polish.

At first I thought the distinction was that the nail polish was matte (although of course regular old ladies’ companies make matte polish too), but no. Alpha Nail also has a Metallics line.

So why do men need Alpha Nail? Let’s let the company tell us: “Designed specifically for men, Alpha Nail is technologically and biologically superior to anything on the market.” That’s right. This nail polish line designed for men is biologically superior to everything else. No implications about gender differences there!

And of course, regular nail polish companies haven’t spent years perfecting their formulas for perfect coverage and application, or anything. Because why would any company expend effort if only women are buying?

It’s like hiring an interior designer for a doghouse, am I right?

Sarcasm aside, the Alpha Nail web site gives no real information on why this nail polish is different from the hundreds of existing brands of nail polish. Instead, it focuses on making sure men know that buying any other brand will emasculate them. 

See, men can’t paint their nails because the act of painting is too feminine, so Alpha Nail has accommodated their specific needs: “Our unique click pen applicator does away with those dainty little brushes and girly nail polish containers. Just click, paint, put the cap on, and its [sic] ready to go for another round.”

What a relief that someone invented Alpha Nail! Before this innovation, women didn’t have anything like that at all.

On the subject of the “clean slate remover,” or as we ladies call it, “nail polish remover,” Alpha Nail has this to say: “Finally our clean slate remover wipes eliminate the need to ever buy a fluffy sack of cotton balls.”

It literally never occurred to me to think of cotton balls as feminine, but now that Alpha Nail has pointed it out, it seems obvious. Everyone knows men hate things that are soft or fluffy, which is why all men sleep on beds of pointy rocks every night.

The kicker is in the fact that most of the web site isn’t about the product at all. Instead, it’s an attempt to convince a male customer that nail polish is something he needs. The point of Alpha Nail is not that it’s a superior product—it’s the marketing.

I’m not an expert, but I can’t imagine that marketing this transparent is very effective. It reminds me of the SNL “Maybelline Man” sketch. Just because the box says “for men” doesn’t mean anyone is fooled into thinking it’s a different product. 

If a man is comfortable being seen wearing nail polish, my guess is that he’s probably okay buying a bottle of Revlon like the rest of us.

Magdalena Newhouse is a senior at Oberlin College, where she teaches a class on body positivity and fat acceptance.

8 thoughts on “Alpha Nail, for a more masculine nail polish option

Add yours

  1. It’s a shame the marketing’s so awful, because I rather like some of the colours. Great article 🙂

  2. Also — wish I had seen this before my other comment — they have a color named “Cocaine”. What a great marketing statement! *rolls eyes*

  3. Speaking as a guy, this really makes me want to use nail polish. Especially if they have colors like concrete, iron, blood, and maybe bruise grey. Unnhh. I feel manlier already. Now if they’d only bring out rouge in colors like Nazi Pallor and Desert Drought Tan, my masculinity would be complete.

  4. Love the pic of the guy and two women.

    woman #1: Are… are you wearing nail polish?

    man: not nail polish–nail polish is for women. I’m wearing nail ARMOR, baby!

    woman #2: oooh, I love a man who’s not afraid to wear nail polish! Can I borrow this white one? I need to re-touch my french manicure, and my white nail pen is dry.

    man: ARE YOU KIDDING?! Nail armor is specially designed for a MAN! If you used it, it would burn right through your delicate little fingers! Plus, it’s in a high-tech pen format that’s too complicated for a woman to use. Like a… pen, I guess. There’s a schematic on the website, and everything. And besides, that’s not white, it’s “cocaine”.

    woman #2: Cocaine? Like the drug?

    woman #1: Or like the way Urban Decay were named back in the nineties?

    Holy crap–Alpha Nail should pay me, I just wrote them a commercial. Seriously, though. When I first saw their website, I thought it was a joke (and I’m still not entirely sure it isn’t). This reminds me so much of the SNL Maybelline Man sketch.

  5. Yeah I was just browsing and saw this article. I don’t wear Alphanail but I feel like you are just attacking the company for wanting to make selling nail polish more masculine. I mean, they say that their formula is different in the sense that it’s strong enough for fighters who’s hands are always taking a beating while minimizing breaks and chips. I honestly think this review was poorly thought out, wildly sexist and completely lacking in information. I don’t really know how you got this job, I sincerely hope your other reviews are better than this one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *